cards make me feel elderly

I've learned the game of cribbage in the last few weeks. I'm slowly getting better and recognizing what cards make a good hand.

the most impressive thing to get is a 29 point hand. jeff will now spend the next ten minutes trying to figure out the math that makes up all those points. basically, if you get three fives and a jack, and cut a five of the same suit as the jack, then you win. unless all of your other hands completely suck. statistically, it's improbable, but I bet i could do it.

math jokes.

my hundredth post needs a bit of joy. so here are some wonderful bits of delight as texted by the boyfriend character.
I'd say i<3 you, but you can't solve inequalities with imaginary numbers. so I love you.
this is my life. this kind of thing happens fairly often. I'm incredibly lucky that way. even when school is insane and I only have dirty clothes and my groceries make me sad. I've still got him to call anytime of day or night. he will always answer. he will never be grouchy. he will always say he loves me and make me smile. how can I ever complain? I always can't wait to see him.

my envious insides.

http://picturewortha.blogspot.com/

there is this lovely blog I have found. i can't decide whether it inspires me or makes me hate myself. I love reading the stories. I recognize the names of some, even in abbreviation. it allows me to learn a little something about the heart of a friend.

I began a story or two for them, but it takes me more than a week to get my mind in order. I can't turn things aroung so quickly. also, I'm afraid to be the one putting a piece of myself out. what if I don't want them or anyone to know my heart?

the more you know about a person, the more you can hurt them. but once you know a person, it does become harder to hurt them. the conscience fights against it. there is more ammunition available, but it's much heavier to load.

I will submit something soon. the next photo that catches my eye. I know I can do it. but it's the first one that takes the most courage.

um, hi.

things are beginning to piece together. I'm likely in the class I want, I have two job opportunities. My schedule for fall is very reasonable. I'm excited to get started.

it starts today

hi empty house! you are cold on my feet. you are quiet but for the ticking and the creaking. thanks for having a downstairs bathroom. you are kind of a mess. there are piles of clothes and dishes and crafty things and cds everywhere, covering each surface.

I've been the only active soul inside here today. I got dressed in the final dregs of my duffel bag. thank goodness my stuff is coming today. i need the rest of it to feel alive and centered, like I belong here. I don't feel that yet. the girls here have been friends for years, making it hard for me to get a breath, a word in edgewise. they know patterns and histories that I've never heard. these things take time, I expect.

awake at four am, I called the nick and watched the sun come up. if I were sovereign, he would live in santa rosa, go to the JC then SSU, and visit me everyday. instead, he lives at home, goes to delta and waits for things to happen. GO DO STUFF!!!

I called my mom to say good morning. she and my dad will be here by noon, and help to put away all of my things. it will also take time, I expect.

I discovered my new favorite genre of books: Indian authors. I reccommend sister of my heart and the namesake.

today.

I just want to be ok today.

I just want to feel something today.

I just want to know something today.

I just want to know that maybe I will be ok.

thanks Ingrid Michaelson.

I have felt so much this week. fear and pain and rage and sweet joy and surprise and glee. I feel I have grown up this summer, as it draws to a close for me. two weeks til school begins. three or four weks of a transitory period to get myself together, to understand what I want and how to get it.

standing here, that distance seems so far. like I have all the time in the world. but the seconds keep passing. they don't stop. no matter what I do, the next moment shows up, right on schedule.

I want to sing.

it's been one week since you looked at me, threw your arms in the air and said i'm crazy

it has occurred to me that upon this day, I have but a week remaining of my teenagerhood.
what shall I do with this final week? I know what I have to do:
read a book
run potted plant event
help with luau booth
go to a concert
go to a concert
have a fancy dress party
see my boyfriend
work on two presentations
begin work on three essays
decide whether the extra credit is worth it
vaccuum.

so if anyone has some teenagery suggestions, let me know. I'm running out of time here.

why is he not here?

I need my nicholas. yes he's mine, and yes I need him. I'm all stressed and flustered and he's very good at saying things that make me calm. but he's at work and I can't call him so much. also I have a secret fear of becoming a clingy girlfriend. I feel a need to be nonchalant and passe.

so much to do and none that I want to do. all I want is to curl up someplace small and sleep. but I really do have lots of free time. I don't use it wisely. I could be doing so much more with my life. I'm not good enough. I'm not enough. I feel inadequate! I am not a good example! my stomach hurts.

as you can see, I really do need the boy.

good day.

amazing day. new sunscreen made my skin soft. hiked all the way to the top of mount livermore on angel island. spent time with friends. didn't get mad at some rude people. planned a great barbeque. bought some good groceries and some veggie food. decided to become a vegetarian. ate some gelato and sushi. found my new blog posts up when I scheduled them. yay! there's a link on the right.

don't waste the waiting.

I wrote yesterday. then I got some lists made. then I had a pita burger and bought unnessescaries at Target. then I went to a meeting where I felt useless. then I wet to improv where I pretty much laughed my pants off. then allison and I went and had ourselves part one of the gay man movie marathon, Brokeback Mountain. saddest film ever.

why do all movies involving gay men have them die at the end, or live miserable lives? where are the perfectly average life gay people, who don't have to hide and who have legions of people who love them for who they are? I want to see that movie. Milk is today's installment. Hopefully this will be more hopeful.

the best part was writing. of yesterday, I mean. five small pieces. they'll soon show up on my writing blog, so keep a lookout. i have a few things to catch up on for that.

four weeks. I want to go home so bad. I'm done with this year. but I've made some new friends and have been uncomfortable. not a complete waste of space.

too much good stuff

I love:

crying at animated disney movies

recognizing a band playing a song I've never heard before

road trips with people who like me

brightly colored dresses

encore movie channels

movies with kick ass soundtracks

coffee at home

warm biscuits from the processed food tube

wishing I could pull off a bowler hat and settling for a straw fedora

not caring that fedoras are boy hats

dancing with small children who never want to stop dancing

stretching untill I can bend down and comfortably touch the floor

my new incredibly versatile haircut

aloe vera gel on my Easter Sunday sunburn

hot off the skillet

soulpancake: awesome site. forum for real questions. something to think about, and articulate intelligent responses to. a legitimate brain exercise on the inane interwebs. there' s some silly user posted stuff too, but for the most part it's really intellectual. there are great links to different artists and their websites. from what I've read, people are really civil and willing to participate.

could this be what the world needed at the moment? or just a fluke to make us dream? either way, they have challenges to occupy the mind and get you thinking about the world, your place in it, and how you interact and think of other people.

today it asked us to take a photo of ourselves with a sign expressing something that's a part of me but does not define me. take a look. it's over there.

I chose that feature of myself because it's how I got started in this world. it was my kickoff. okay, yes, I was birthed at some point, but that was not a positive situation for a child. I needed to be elsewhere, so did my brother. so adopted we were. both of us. by a family that had three daughters in high school. it was never questioned. they are my family. adoption is how I got them. but it's not a constant thought. it's like part of an old photo album. flip though the pages and remember the beginning.

thanks april showers

I woke up today, concerned about what I might wear. it's just a few days before spring break and I'm running out of what little summer clothes I have. I'll probably get to go shopping for my birthday, but untill then it's laundry once every two weeks. thanks goodness it started to rain today. all I have left are long sleeve tees and ribbed tanks. now I can wear a long sleeved shirt and not hate myself. and I get to wear actual pants to weight training!

don't you wish more problems could be solved by the weather?

"Man, I sure don't want to go to work today"

*massive thunderstorm knocks down tree, blocking road and smashing car*

"Gee, thanks, weather!! now I can catch up on my Tivo"

if only. i'd love to have a car to be smashed by a tree.

just leave a message?

facebook is genius. when you start to lose touch with friends, just jump on their page and read everything you can find. a complete life update without all the frustration of phone tag. no awkward pauses, no small talk. easy. no connection needed.

so tempting, right? that's what i want. no effort, all the information. like reading up on a celebrity. it's distant, separate, and you can use it to make all your conversations more interesting. "I have this friend who does photography" "I know that korean pop band!" it's so much easier than spending time with the person. it's free.

so why bother? why spend the time, the money, the effort?

because without sunny outdoor facetime, I'll die. the people around me and who used to be around me are my life, my love, my heart. my life is a black abyss without them, and I hope they know it. my pledge? to spend more time outdoors and out of my house than in it. after this essay is done.

blog crap.

it turns out that all the things I currently want to do, I get to do. the museum trip is a go. I'm living with Kacie, Annie and Chelsea next year. I made up a schedule for homework so now I feel like I have more time.

this is pretty cool.

it's difficult, too, though. I happen to have a decent balance in the bank at the moment, but I need to save it for things, so i can't buy all the cool stuff I want to buy. not a ton of stuff, but a little bit. I have to budget and save and think about where it goes so I get to do the most fun stuff.

school is going well. i'm learning cool stuff and new ways to think and keeping up on all my assignments. It's all manageable at this point. that's just me, though. I'm only taking 12 units. i feel like a slacker a little, but it's too late to change that.

all I need is something to do this weekend. hmm...

life update

my mother is better and resting up at home. my dad is fussing, which she says drives her crazy but she really loves it. we all know she's lying. I've been home three weekends in a row and I need to get back to doing things here at school. I've plenty of time this weekend and a few fun things planned.

for spring break I'm planning to go to a few museums with nick's family. it upsets my family that I plan things with them, but they go places because they don't have small children and older folks. travel is easier, and there are more options. it's not that I like them more than my family. It' s not that I prefer spending time with them. it's just some different, and that I like them too. not more, also. there's plenty of room here, people.

the most exciting thing is I think I have place to live next year. originally I had planned to live with allison in tuscany, but I got a message from my friend Kacie. she rents a room in a house with three other girls, and one of them is moving out over summer. she needs a new roommate and she asked me. my dad and I stopped by to see the place and the neighborhood yesterday and I was able to meet everyone. the place is about a ten to fifteen minute walk from school, or five minutes on my bike. two of the girls are comms majors like me, so that'll be helpful for studying. also, the rent is about one-fourth the price of living on campus, including utilities and the winter and summer months. hot damn. so I'm now waiting for my parents to decide.

I feel a little guilty at leaving allison to her own devices, ditching her in a way, but this is such a better choice for me. if you want some help in looking for roommates or something of that ilk I'd be glad to lend a hand!

speaking of Allison! it's her birthday today. she's 20. I'm so excited for her. I'm apparently the baby in the dorm, and will be a teenager for another eight weeks, give or take a day. but she is not a teenager RIGHT NOW!! cool. celebrations will be had this eve. whether she likes it or not. I guess if she really doesn't want to celebrate, I won't make her. but it would be sad to let it pass by.

the flaming

I have never run across one of these crazies before. I thought they were an urban myth. this is what one BibleBanginBeulah had to say about American Idol Contestant Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert is NOT GAY. Adam Lambert is waiting to meet the right young lady to settle down with, to marry and have children as Our Lord’s Word dictates.

These scandalous rumors and misquotes are simply the product of the Gay Mafia at work yet AGAIN, attempting to smear the reputation of a lovely and talented young man, simply because he is one of the obvious front-runners to win American Idol this season.

And why would the Gay Mafia do something so downright hateful to someone so beautiful and selfless as Mr. Adam Lambert, you ask? Well, sadly, the answer is obvious: they are drawn to one of their own, who has absolutely NO chance to advance any further in a family values-oriented competition such as American Idol.

The Gay Mafia and its homosexual supporters have fallen for that horrid, horrid demon born of the bowels of the earth, Nick Norman or Mitchell or whatever name he is attempting to hide behind this week. He may run from name to name all he wants, but he will never hide his true identity.

The Gay Mafia identify with him because, like them, he is obviously a Beast born of Hell, a homosexual child of SATAN. I shall refer to him henceforth as “The Apocalyptic Beast”.
Those in power in the depraved homosexual community, the Gay Mafia, know that both Mr. Adam Lambert and Mr. Danny Gokey are miles and miles ahead of The Apocalyptic Beast in looks, talent, charisma, personality, humanitarianism, and devout Christianity.

Mr. Lambert and Mr. Gokey also share an enduring faith that through Our Lord all things are possible, and that only by choosing to live the lifestyle that He has commanded us to live, will we be rewarded with Eternal Life.

These “power gays” have chosen to zero in on Mr. Lambert in particular, because he has never been married as Mr. Gokey has. Therefore, they felt it would be a piece of cake to spread their filthy lies about Mr. Lambert.

However, they didn’t count on Big Beulah here to devour that piece of cake in one bite.
Watch out, Gay Mafia. BibleBanginBeulah’s got her own “mafia”. The Lord’s Mafia. And we ain’t afraid of you.


omg. amen?

yellow-bellied mama's girl.

the last week or so has not been fun times for the extended Pohlman clan. two or three of the grandkids have been sick with strep throat and are just now recovering. my mother came down with a scary case of what turns out to be pneumonia (totally spelled that right!) and she's still in the hospital until at least tomorrow night. my sister christy was in the wrong intersection with the wrong teenaged hooligan of a non-signaling driver and now has a totaled car and bruises and cuts all over. I have been sickly and backed up on homework and studying all week, and even missed a class where I was supposed to do a presentation. Awful, right?

all in all, it can be agreed that all of us need this weekend to rest and recuperate. this weekend is a good time to stay at home, relax, and get things done. check off a few items on the to-do list. now is not a time for vast adventures out of state, or for lying to ones' parents. I simply do not have the stomach or the conscience for it. believe me, I've tried. but then the guilt starts and the tears start, and wouldn't you know it, I'm so miserable for holding secrets that I have absolutely no fun on the adventure and what's more, I ruin it for everyone else with my worries.

like in anything, good things can be found in each of the aforementioned calamities. while the kids were sick, each of them had loving parents able to stay home from work to care for them. when my mom started acting a little off and weird, she had this whole platoon of her children watching her and getting her to the hospital when she needed to. and even though my sister's car was kershmashed she only obtained minor injuries and her little ones were safe at home. and finally, while I felt bad about the shenanigans and cancelled plans, allison put up with my melodrama and listened to me talk for at least an hour. so that was nice of her.

it's all for the best. yet another example of how I'm the good kid, physically and mentally unable to break the rules. gotta tell my parents, gotta do my homework, gotta go to class, gotta drive only with my permit, gotta do what's right. it's useless to try anything else. I just can't help it.

personal challenge

one hundred single syllable verbs.

til it was a battle cry

energized and overjoyed to be back at school. good stuff to do, good people to see, and all this organizing makes me me so good about myself. good music I haven't heard for a while, my cocoon of pink is re assembled. good clean bright. not new. not much new, anyway. no money. a scarce semester is ahead. need scholarships. need more hours. need to save money. need to be smart about purchases.

i've cried four times since being here. once while watching a commercial for baby shampoo. twice from laughing hysterically with allison, and once when I found the note on my lamp. there's an empty. I feel guilty saying that, because heidi isn't here yet either, but it's not her I miss because I know she's coming. and that she won't have missed me.

the empty is tangible. I notice it most when laughter fades, or between songs, or when I say dumb things and there's no one to call me stupid. I know she's doing what she needs to do, but I still wish what she needed to do was here. that's all. but someday we'll all be grownups and able to see the bigger world at a glance, and she won't seem so far away. no one will. once we're grownups.